Rose Coloured Glasses

I originally wrote this about two or three years ago. The piece I am working on now will follow it nicely, so thought I'd post it now. Better late than never!

I have a pair of stunning rose coloured glasses. Well, they aren’t actually mine to keep, but when I find myself seeing the world through them, I am lucky to experience a short period of absolute bliss. It is as though I suddenly find myself with these glasses on and my entire world changes. Everything is seen though a pink haze and blazing sunshine. Every sense is enhanced. Perhaps it’s like switching from regular TV to HD TV. Only way better!

Rose coloured glasses make everything bright, happy and amazing. I am invincible, on top of the world and there is no stopping me. Life is grand. My mind is filled with grand ideas and my creativity is at its height. The world is my oyster. I can do anything I want with no fear of consequence. Everything is glorious.

These rose coloured glasses literally give me the feeling of seeing the world through a rose tinge and nothing can make anything bad or negative or grey. I am fabulous. The world around me is fabulous. Everything is better and better. I only see good, positive, exciting, thrilling. My mind swirls with brilliant ideas. I long to have my rose coloured glasses on for more than a week or two or three. The thrill of rose coloured glasses makes everything I know is coming (all the grey) seem utterly worth it when I am in that moment. I would never, never, never trade my rose coloured glasses by choice.

But rose coloured glasses are like red ruby slippers, they aren’t mine to keep permanently. Just as suddenly as I find myself wearing them, they are suddenly and instantaneously taken away, replaced by a grey coloured filter than dampens down every sight I see and every feeling I feel.

Depression, irritation, crankiness to the nth degree, loss of any emotional feeling, loss of desire, loss of anticipation, loss of motivation, tremendous guilt and enormous self loathing replace the grandiosity I was just feeling. There is no escape. Here I am drowning, suffocating. I am stunned. Inertia sets in. A decision cannot be made, no matter how simple. Each step, each conversation, each act requires a tremendous amount of energy, only encouraging the downward spiral. The simplest task becomes the challenge of climbing Mount Everest. It is easier to stay in bed. Just perpetuating the cycle.

And then I am angry, tired, exhausted, sad…it’s not fair and I feel like I’m being punished. I think I’m a good person and don’t deserve this, but I also see the truth…that when that deep grey cloud follows me around, I am evil, wicked, mean, rude, selfish, unthinking. I hurt people I love and even people I don’t know. I hurt myself. I hurt each experience I have. I long for control over these emotions and behaviours in the moment. But I can only stand aside or above and watch myself behave in ways that do not coincide with the person I believe myself to be.

And hurting others only leads to tremendous guilt and an inability to truly express apologies and ask forgiveness. There is no free pass. While I am able to accept that my behaviours can be forgiven with an apology, I continually struggle to find the right way and words to truly express how sorry I feel at times. It always seems impossible. A simple sorry is not enough. Expressing my deepest humility and feelings of guilt never feels enough. Finding what I believe is a good enough explanation to excuse my behaviour is hopeless. So guilt hangs on and on until eventually I begin to see clearly again and I can forgive myself and see that my behaviour is a result of my illness and not my personality.

Such a cycle it is. Even though I must pay for the rose coloured glasses by the grey cloud that follows, I still yearn and wait for the moment when they suddenly appear, savouring every single moment of experiencing life in an enhanced state of glory.