Conquering The Beast

One more about crazy before moving on to lighter topics...

Now, I don’t want to sound too cocky because I know Bipolar can always take me off guard and show up with a vengeance, but after six long years of wrestling with the constant cycling of my brain, I think I’ve finally gotten the upper hand on him.

After years of trying every medication and every combination of medications out there, me and my most fabulous shrink seem to have found the right cocktail. And after years of resisting taking copious amounts of said psychotropic medications that wreak havoc with my mind and body (have you ever checked out the side effects of these things?!!) I have relented, no not relented, I have recognized that without my psychotropic cocktail, I would not function as well as I do. So I accept that my mind and memory don't function to the full capacity that I would like them to and faithfully pop my pills knowing that this is my ticket “stability” and my insurance against hospitalization.

I have stopped waiting to get better, to be fixed, to be “cured”. I have accepted that Bipolar isn't going away and that I need to get with the program and learn to manage it the best I can. Last summer, sitting in my shrink’s office, feeling depressed, angry and sorry for myself, he said to me “I don’t think you are clinically depressed. I think you need to change your thinking.” Ah. Yes. I immediately knew he was right. He continued “You need to accept that you have good days and bad days. When you wake up feeling good, take advantage of it and do things on those days. When you wake up feeling bad, accept it and just allow yourself to feel bad and accept that you aren’t going to do things those days.” These last words have become my mantra. I now live by these words.

I left that appointment determined to do the work to change my thinking patterns, to come to a place of real acceptance about my illness and the impact and limitations it places on me (despite the fact that I have thought a million times over during the past six years that I had come to this place!) I also continued recognize and embrace the gifts it gives me. Months later, I think I’m there. Well, maybe it’s a work in progress. It’s certainly a lot of damn work managing this thing. And I mean daily, never-ending work.

The important thing is that I have come to accept and manage my day to day, week to week cycles. I enjoy and take advantage of the good days. I accept the bad days without guilt. I set limits. I say no when I have to. I cancel things when I have to. I listen to my body and do what it tells me. I have started to recognize that my big cycles come every two to three months. And although I have always recognized them coming (for the most part) I no longer ignore the signs. It always starts with a high and instead of joyfully riding out the bliss for as long as possible, only to crash down hard, I reluctantly cut it short by increasing the dose of my most hated medication. (If you know me, you know this is BIG!) Cutting short the highs has been the most difficult part of the process. Understand - I live for those highs (see previous post). Those highs are to me my “normal”. They are the only time my mind feels clear and I feel “normal”. However, cutting them short results in a shorter mania, and seems to curb the low that follows. So, left with shorter "big” cycles of hypomania/depression, I have more time to just live with my regular cycling, which at this point is just normal to me. Score 1 for Ange and flip the bird to Bipolar! HA!