The Edge

Feeling a little funky today. Like I’m standing on the edge, not sure if I’m going to stand firm or fall into the deep hole of depression or perhaps just be dowsed in it briefly. Feeling down scares me. I never know if it is the signal to a big fall or just a little low that will shortly pass. I’ve been having lows in the evening lately. I know this can just be a normal part of my cycling. It is hard to determine when I am at that tipping point though. Unpredictability is both fun and frightening in my life.

So, feeling like I wanted to crawl under a rock, I instead gathered myself together and headed out to the seawall. I figured a good hard walk might help get some endorphins kicking around in my brain. It’s a beautiful day. The sun is shining. It’s warm. I’m walking along the seawall, listening to Sarah McLachlan’s “Afterglow”, which speaks to my depression and is probably not the best choice, but listening to someone else’s depression is somehow reassuring. Random thoughts swirl around my foggy brain. I feel overmedicated today. What would I do without the ocean at my doorstep? I am trying to really appreciate it, but I am feeling sombre and a bit numb. I should not wallow in my depression. Try to focus on the beauty around me. What am I going to do to fill up my days? What is going to motivate me? I am getting that drowning feeling. I try to ignore it, push it away. Walk hard. Runners pass and I think I should start running again. I get a sudden craving for the rush I used to get from running. I need to walk as fast as possible to get those endorphins going. I wonder how I can motivate myself to start running. I wonder if I need new shoes? I feel like I’ve gained some weight. Do I really care? I feel detached. Being present is a challenge. I wish I could just keep walking and never turn back. I am tired of my illness today. Eventually I have to turn back though. I have to go home. I am seeing friends tonight. I do feel a bit better. I tell myself, it’s just one of those days. It certainly could be worse. And for now, I remain on firm ground.