Trip Planning Pushes Woman, 35, Over the Edge

(posted by ange)

Well, you may have noticed a little absence from yours truly here. When signing up for this fabulous trip to Portugal, the travel agents, travel books, internet web sites, friends, family and general public neglected to inform me that the planning phase of said trip would be somewhat stressful, to understate the fact.

Let's have a little recap of just a few of the challenges, I was so lucky to face...

1. The Passport.

Went down to the passport office on December 28, 2006. While waiting in line, an important (insert sarcasm) passport official walked the line encouraging anyone who did not require their passport in the next few weeks to mail it in, so as not to have to wait in line. The line jumpers (including myself) were assured they would receive their passport by January 25, 2007. Great!

January 25 passes. January 28 passes. February 1 passes. I leave in 23 days and have no passport. I call the Passport Office. Yep, they have my passport. Received it January 2. Are currently opening envelopes from December 18. My envelope is unopened and sitting with thousands of others in box 250. Super! I am told I best apply for a new birth certificate and completely re-apply for my passport. Fabulous!

Cost of birth certificate (one of which I already have, sitting in box 250 in Gatineau, Quebec): $92. Cost of new photos (again, already have 'em sitting in box 250 in Gatineau): $12. Getting up early to stand in riduculous line at Passport Office: Beyond Irritating. Cost of rush application of passport: $117. Passport being ready to pick up the day before I leave: Major Heart Palpitations. Trip to Portugal: Better be Goddamn Priceless!!!!

2. Next, Clothing.

Okay, it's going to be spring in Portgual, better dig out all my cute spring outfits from last year. Seeing all the cute clothes in my chest: lovely. Getting the feeling none of said clothes will fit me: frightening! Trying on said clothes: depressing. Okay, we've got 8 articles of clothing that will pass and no money to buy clothes to fit new found "curves" (read: chunky fat). Visions of looking cute and sexy in Portugal: disappearing.

Not one to fear spending money she doesn't have, some shopping was done and my amazing friend Kim came to the rescue with a huge pile of loaners.

3. Money.

Will I ever learn? I am not a saver. (May I say I this is a genetic predisposition passed on by my dad). Maybe if I had some sort of normal income, I could be a saver. But I do not. No, I am one those people others cringe at who live pay cheque to pay cheque, credit to credit. I resign myself to the fact that I will never actually have money that is my own, that does not belong to Visa, Line of Credit or Overdraft. That's okay. I get by and money is only money. Or at least that's what I tell my shopoholic self. However, as Portugal gets closer, I begin to wonder what the hell I am doing embarking on a trip that nobody on a small disability pension should be going on. Picture the stress MOUNTING. I mean MOUNTING!!!! I'm good to go, got a plane ticket, got a place to stay. But then what? Will I have to beg in the streets for my food? How will I buy shoes? Oh wait, Visa will be with me. Whew. But then I think they expect me to pay it back when I come home. So, the ever stressful money factor. But I think I"ll wait til later to really get my knickers in a knot about this.


4. Onto my mental state.

Medication that did wonders for my mood: fabulous. Same medication causing all kinds of horrible sides effects: bite me. Result: off that medication. Since I'm going away, we can't try any of the dwindling options left, so it's increase the Lithium and hope for the best. As all the stress mounts, my mental state deteriorates and I become somewhat psychotic. Going on huge doses of antipsychotics: probably quite pricesless for those around me. For me, I am now a dumbed-down, slowed down, non-functioning, one flew over the cuckoo's nest nut! My trip is now in jeapordy and by last weekend I'm told by my wonderful support team of Loret, Dave and Kim that if I can't get it together by Wednesday (that's 2 days from now), the trip is off. Uh ya, do what you want, I'm going to Portugal. I can be a psychotic mess there jsut as well as here!

But seriously, this was the most devestating stress. I like to be as positive as possible about my illness and not dwell on any type of "poor me" attitude. It is what it is and I can certainly live with it. If fact I am the first to say that I would not trade my illness and think it has given me a kind of life that I may not have necessarily chosen, but that I am more than happy to have. But sometimes, like this time, I had to think "why me"? Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. When I am really sick there are literally chunks of my life that I don't remember and therefore are gone to me. Permanently. Kind of like when you partied too much that one night and are missing 4 hours of your life. Only this is a little longer. When I can't do things I normally do I feel like I am ripped off by the chemical crap shoot my brain has been dealt. And mostly there is a tremendous amount of anger and guilt that comes with the behaviour that occurs and how I treat other people. I want it to be in my control, but it is not. The hurt that I cause others, in my mind, cannot be easily repaired and the guilt is overwhelming. This recent struggle has been stressful. I know from experience that I will accept myself and love myelf despite it all. But these past few weeks have really been tough ones.

So, this whole time has been a blurr and I don't remember much. But I do know I am a lucky lady to have Dave remaining in our home, to have my mother love me as much as ever and to have a friend like Kim who once again, becomes a rock and supports not only me, but my mom and Dave too. And on top of these amazing, amazing troopers, I have wonderful friends who love me and never judge me and just accept me as I am, when I am well, and when I am not. I love my friend Maj, who once told me that I am the sanest crazy person she has ever met!

So today is Monday. I'm doing better. All day, no heavy drugs. No freak outs. My head is fairly clear. I'm writing this, aren't I? I was out on my own doing errands. I survived the mall!!! I am tired but feeling positive and more sane. I know our trip is on. And I've survived not only the stress of preparing for a trip, but I have one more crazy episode under my belt. :)

Thanks for reading.