Compromises

In any relationship, as in life, there are always compromises and sacrifices to be made. No relationship is ever perfect (that would just be plain boring!!!) and I believe we are always working to find a balance that allows us to maintain our own integrity and that of our partner's. Since nobody is perfect, we will always have to accept both good and bad in our partner. We all have our lists of what we want, what we are willing to give, what we are willing to concede, what we are willing to let go of and what we will hold firm to. Some of these things are big. Some are small. In any event, if a relationship is going to be successful, each person in it will give and take and hopefully will work together to find the balance that is right for their relationship.

I love Dave to death, but he is not perfect. Dave loves me back equally, and we all know I'm not perfect. I love Dave for everything that he is and I think he loves me back the same. And so we both accept many of each other's annoying little habits. For example, I accept that he leaves heaps of clothing on the bedroom floor. I accept that he leaves coffee grinds all over the kitchen counter. I accept that he will always come home from Costco with something that we don't really need, and will happily accept that that is our money spent. I accept that he likes to leave things until the last possible minute. Just as I accept these trivial yet annoying little traits, he accepts that I leave my tea bags lying around on the counter (on a dish mind you!!!). He accepts that I like to eat in bed which means I will often fall asleep with whatever I'm eating, creating a bit of a mess. He accepts the massive pile of shoes I leave at the door, even though I'm not wearing most of them. He accepts that I take up 90% of the bathroom while leaving little space for his stuff. These are just but a few of those little things.

There are always larger things we have to comprise on, battles we have to pick and choose and things we just have to let go of. If we hold on to all our ideals about a relationship, I believe we will be left alone. And so every relationship is different. What I can accept in my partner, someone else can not look past. What I cannot look past may not be important to someone else. We try different things in our relationships as we search for ways to maintain that balance between self and unity with another. The picture is unique for everyone. And it almost always does not look the same from the outside as it does from within.

And so it is that Dave and I have reached a compromise of sorts in our relationship. Our biggest challenge by far, the one big thing that impacts our relationship to the greatest extent is my illness. It is hard to describe what it looks like to live with someone like me. Because people generally see me when I am feeling good or pretending to feel good, it is difficult to understand the multiple nuances of my illness and how it impacts both Dave and I on a daily basis - individually and as a couple. It is ever present and exhausting for both of us. Dave loves me despite it and accepts me with it. The sacrifices and compromises he has made because of it are enormous. But sometimes such sacrifices can become too much and other options must be considered. And so it is that we have come to the conclusion that if we continue to live under the same roof, this illness will destroy us. The only way we can see to maintain our relationship is to live apart. Someone asked me "But if you really love someone, don't you want to do anything to make it work?" To which I answered "Yes. We have. And we are. This is what we are doing to make it work." We are sacrificing our desire to live together because we are not willing to sacrifice our desire to be together. It might look strange from the outside, but it makes sense from the inside.